We were hit with a family tragedy on Wednesday the 29th, when our (not yet) three year old Calico, Sashenka, suddenly died. Times like this I envy those with faith. This may seem strange coming from a Recovering Catholic, and a devout Atheist, but let me explain. My belief system is strange, a combination of Nietzschean thought and Neo-pagan theory. I’m still not certain how I reconcile the two. What I do know is that I cannot conceive of an intelligent force that oversees, or once oversaw all of creation. No divine watchmaker, no sign of Aristotle’s Prime Mover can be found in my world view. But I wish it could be, just for a little while. Just so I could rage against something for the injustice of taking from me one of the few things on this ball of shit we call earth that matter a damn to me. To steal from me the feeling that everything was looking up. That the weekend prior was the beginning of a new chapter.
I was riding so high after the Jeff Martin concert (as were many at the concert I suspect : ) and three days later I was cradling the still warm but unnaturally limp body of my little princess, my best friend, in my arms. “Just one of those things” doesn’t seem to cover the cry in my soul for explanation. But what else have I got? As a Nietzschean, God is dead, life is what we as individuals make of it. As a Pagan, there is a force that exists, a world spirit as such, but it is not intelligent, it simply is. I have no where to channel my anger and frustration. And so I wish I did have faith in an all powerful God, so I could dedicate my life to tearing it down. Even this is denied me.
So instead I take solace in the two years I had with my little sweet-pea, hope that she felt the same, and muddle through meaningless days, and too quiet nights.
Sashenka
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