The Movie Court of Appeals – Reconfiguring the Top 10 Top 10

So last night the AFI released its top ten top ten list (seen here). Categories included (for those unwilling to follow the link) Animation, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Sports, Western, Gangster, Mystery, Romantic Comedies, Courtroom Drama, and Epic. I of course, being opinionated and self righteous, have taken it upon myself to correct the errors in the AFI panels ways, and to introduce a new category sadly left out, Horror. I will not play with order, as I believe to make it to the top ten is enough, and when you get to films of this caliber, it’s impossible to rank them.

First, corrections to the Animation list. What is with all of these being children’s films, and, even worse, all Disney? Anyone remember Bugs Bunny? Come on. Ok, so we need to take out three from their list to put in mine. Say good-bye to Toy Story, Beauty and the Beast, and Bambi. Say hello to Heavy Metal, 1001 Rabbit Tales and the 1969 classic Bambi Meets Godzilla which is available UNCUT here.

Right, on to the next category, Romantic Comedies. Now, I will admit I have not seen all of these films, however, some films are just so good as to trump anything, no matter what, and 1938’s Bringing Up Baby is that kind of film. Therefore, something has to give (and go), and that something is Sleepless in Seattle, a crappy remake starring crappy Tom Hanks. Aside from being involved in Dan Brown’s attempt to make the world stupider, he acted alongside a volleyball that stole the show. Also needing to be removed for similar reasons Moonstruck (Cher and Nick Cage, please) and Annie Hall (sorry, not a fan of Woody Allen either). In their places Four Weddings and a Funeral and Sliding Doors.

Westerns I shall leave alone simply because I haven’t watched enough Westerns to be a fair judge. That said, last year’s The Proposition was excellent, though not a typical Western.

Ok, moving on to something I do know a bit about, Sports Films. Jerry McGuire and National Velvet, Bye Bye. Welcome to the show Mystery, Alaska and Diggstown. As an aside I think Rocky III to be better than the original (and I pity the fool who disagrees).

Mystery – hmmm, just one fault here, and that’s with the AFI failing to include In the Heat of the Night. Feel free to remove your least liked film on the AFI list and put this one in. Go ahead, I said you could.

Fantasy – HERE WE GO. WTF is with this list? Almost all of these are Magic Realism, not true fantasy. The definition given by the AFI is pathetic ” AFI defines “fantasy” as a genre where live-action characters inhabit imagined settings and/or experience situations that transcend the rules of the natural world.” Hell, that’s almost every movie. Besides which, go to the site and read their plot summary of Lord of the Rings. I don’t think they even watched the film. Say goodnight to
1. The Wizard of Oz 1939
3. It’s a Wonderful Life 1946
5. Miracle on 34th Street 1947
6. Field of Dreams 1989
7. Harvey 1950
8. Groundhog Day 1993
10. Big 1988
say hello to (and I count the LOTR trilogy as one and takes its place at number 1); Stardust, Mirrormask, Legend, Willow, The Neverending Story, The Gamers, and finally, Dragonheart.

Alright, now that that’s all fixed, time for Sci-Fi. A little less screwed up here as at least these are all clearly Science Fiction. However, Back to the Future, ET and T2 do not deserve the honour. I’m having difficulty with Alien as well as I believe Aliens to be the superior film, however, we’ll consider them one film and discount the two that followed Aliens. That leaves me with three Sci-Fi films to be replaced. First up, one of the greatest films of the 80s, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The return of a great villain and a great actor in the role. Kirk and company are excellent, and damned if I’m not still impressed with the brain bugs.
Next up, The Matrix, still as impressive now as when it came out in 1999.
Moving on to a classic, Planet of the Apes (the real one with Charleton Heston). Now, I said I needed three, but thinking about it, I found four, so goodbye Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and hello The Man from Earth which for those of you yet to see it, is brilliant. There you have it, a sci-fi movie with no special effects on a top ten list. I’ve done the impossible (and so have those involved in this amazing film).

Gangster Films. Just one I want to add here. First, my favourite film of all time, A Bronx Tale – fantastic sound track, excellent acting, beautiful cinematography, and a good script. To add this, Little Caesar must go (Scarface SoaN was much better anyway).

As for the Courtroom Drama, again, few quibbles. If pressed I might add The Fountainhead though strictly speaking only a few minutes are set in the courtroom. The Man Who Sued God might also get a nod, though it’s more comedy than drama. Lastly, A Time to Kill has a lot going for it, including the one of only two Sandra Bullock performances I can stand (the other being in Demolition Man)

Alright, last category to fix, EPICS. Three must go, Saving Private Ryan (simply because as war films go, The Big Red One is better), Schindler’s List (Because I don’t believe it fits the AFI’s own criteria) and Titanic (because I just F&^ing hate it). In comes Braveheart, The Last Samurai, and Rob Roy.

Now, finally to the Horror list that should have been in the AFI, though I suppose they aren’t horror fans. Here goes, in no particular order;
The Shining,
The Omen,
The Wicker Man,
The Exorcist,
In the Mouth of Madness,
Event Horizon,
The Thing,
28 Days Later,
Night of the Living Dead (groundbreaking in both zombies and racially with a Black lead), and lastly, and I’m going to get flak for this, but the ending is amazing and gave me hope that Hollywood had a pair,
The Mist

So there you have it. I’m smarter than you, I’m Gilbert Smyth-Biteme

Can we pay them to stay home?

So some brilliant liberal do-gooder has decided that students don’t get enough out of the publicly funded school system. Free education until the age of 18, access to sports programs, enrichment activities, field trips, guidance, one on one tutoring, subsidized lunches etc. just aren’t enough. No. Some students still don’t want to be in school. Hmmm, how can we fix that? Why don’t we pay them! I’m not kidding. A school in DC has decided that by paying kids to behave and to get good grades they’ll encourage kids to stay in school and to work harder at passing state and national tests. Here’s an idea. Do the opposite. Charge kids who don’t want to learn or won’t behave. You want to stay here, then we need some compensation for dealing with you. Yesterday I saw, once again, a student I’ve known for two years. When I first met him, he was in grade nine, and now, at age 16 (or 17) in “grade 11” he’s still trying to pass some of his grade nine classes. Sorry, did I say trying? He does NOTHING. And it’s not because he’s incapable, it’s because he doesn’t care, he doesn’t see the point. Why bother with school when you’re never going to work? If you can steal everything you need, what is the point. Here’s my solution. If you fail to submit any work in a course, or fail the same course twice, you are out for a period of one year. Try and get a job with three grade 9 credits, see how life treats you. Don’t want to work? Can’t get a job? See how long it takes before mommy and daddy get pissed you do nothing all day at home. Maybe the shock of being thrown out of the easy life of high school is all that’s needed to snap these wayward souls back to the fold. And if not, at least we’re free of them for a year.

Our Tax Dollars at Work

Glad to know that with all the violent crimes going on in this country (see Young Offenders Act…) that the Ontario Government has finally decided to tackle the worst criminals of all…. those that sell a perfectly legal product. Those who sell tobacco products now have to hide all such products either below the counter or behind doors. Customers may select their brand by flipping through a binder or book of images, and yes, this too must be kept out of site. Wow. Apparently Mr. McGuinty believes that most smokers are drawn to cigarettes because of the bright and colourful labels on the boxes (Oooo, I never thought about smoking, but look, those ones have RED on them!!!). Give it a rest. So, police will now be enforcing this wonderful law instead of tracking down actual criminals. Brilliant. Just waiting for this to happen in Ontario. The guy owns A SMOKE SHOP! It’s labeled as such. He has his windows blacked out. You can’t see in. If you enter the SMOKE SHOP, I think the decision to buy SMOKES has been made. Honestly, how stupid are those in power.

Ontarians, expect a hike to your Health Tax (that isn’t a tax) next year, as all the money from cigarette sales that formerly went to Health Care will be going straight to the Native Reserves. Which begs the question, who would even buy Mohawk Lights, they just come in a clear bag, no pretty red packaging (or collectible “This is what smoking will do to you pictures”. Personally, I’d pick the pregnancy pictures, then I’d be safe right?)

The BIG Story

If you’re from Canada, like I am, then you all know what the big story is this week. It’s not the tape that was doctored and splices together two halves of a conversation the PM had years ago about Chuck Cadman that the Liberals now want to use in attack ads. It’s not that the Liberals aren’t even showing up for most votes now (actually, that’s never been news, I’d bet a whole lot of sheep, I mean Liberal voters don’t even know). It’s not the various stabbings, murders, shootings, arsons and the like. It’s not the death of the 85th Canadian Soldier in Afghanistan. No, it’s the saga of the Hockey Night in Canada theme song.

Seriously.

So here’s the deal. The person who owns the rights to what is known as the HNIC theme song, wants a raise, which I can understand (seen the price at the pumps?). The CBC has been paying $500 a shot to play the tune for the past decade or so. The new deal would see this increase by 15% ($75) in two years. Not too much of a hike. However, the CBC in their infinite wisdom has passed on the deal and instead is offering up $100,000 to whoever writes the best replacement for a Canadian Classic.

And now you think, hmmmm, that’s a lot of money, of my tax money, for a song I probably won’t even like (Saturday Night’s All Right for Fighting redone by Nickleback anyone [TSN, do you hear me??])

Oddly enough, TSN did. See? TSN, CTV, RSN, bought the rights out from under CBC. At least one station in this country understands tradition (who would have thought it would be CTV? Isn’t CBC all dinosaurs, no wait, they’re hip now with George “I Love Myself” Strombolopolis (yes, I know that’s not spelled right, but I dislike him to the point of not caring). As an aside, and I should preface this by saying I enjoy Don Cherry’s wardrobe and occasionally his comments, CBC is paying him $750,000 a year, which if you figure out how many Saturday night games there are in a hockey season works out to somewhere around $25,000 a show, or $100,000 an hour. I’ll wear his suits if they can get the theme song. For a grand a night, I’d be in.

Why the young Offender’s act is a rotting pile of shit

Ok, here goes. My first post.
The Young Offender’s act is (for those who don’t know) a piece of left wing, bleeding heart legislation brought in by the Liberal government that prohibits the public from knowing the name of an offender under the age of 18. In addition, all records are sealed and once 18 and time is served, it is as if no crime was ever committed. The idea was to protect kids who make mistakes, and, in some cases, that’s fair. 10 year old steals a candy bar – no need for that to haunt him the rest of his days. So too with a 14 year old niner who gets into a fist fight and breaks some punk’s nose. But then you have psychos, those who premeditate and commit acts of utter horror that show a complete lack of respect and an inability to exist in a civilized environment. I present case A, two teens in Alberta who over the course of two nights, ransacked a family home (whilst the family was on vacation, there’s something to come home to) destroyed countless pieces of property and, to top it all off, microwaved to death the family cat, “Princess”. Not content with destroying an entire family’s sense of security, they painted on the walls “It’s in the Microwave” and “You had a nice cat”
don’t believe me: Read the Article here

I think that speaks for itself. I for one will be closely watching the news come the time these psychos are up for sentencing.

Now, that was terrible, and I honestly couldn’t believe that there could be much worse than that. But, (and I don’t know what the fuck is going on in the prairies these days, but what the hell?) leave it to Regina to top it. I think the headline from CBC is enough: Hearing underway for teen who shot ex-girlfriend in head. Excuse me what? So I read the article. And his lawyer (where do these people come from?) come up with; “Defence lawyer Jeff Deagle agreed, but argued his client has no criminal record and he has recently shown remorse for the shooting.” ummm, wow, he causes brain damage, she loses her eye, her life is ruined, but it’s supposed to be okay because he’s sorry and he’s learned his lesson. He’s 16, there shouldn’t be a lesson to learn here except that some human parents should take a hint from the animal kingdom and eat their young.
Ok, so back to the young offenders act. Since this latest prairie psycho was 16 when he shot a bullet into his girlfriend’s brain and caused her to lose an eye, his MAXIMUM punishment should he be tried as a youth, which, face it, in Canada, he probably will be, is, wait for it…… “As a youth, the teen would serve a maximuim of three years in custody.” Here it is!
So, what would I do you ask? (ok, so you don’t ask because you’re reading this and obviously, well, I’ve already written this so you couldn’t have asked me, but for the sake of argument let’s just say you did) For the cat nukers, a week in the stockades, outside the closest SPCA, with a sign round their necks explaining what they did. For a dollar donation to the SPCA those who wish can don a latex glove, fish a “kitty gift” from the sand box and hurl it at the little bastards.
As for Mr. I Can’t live without you so I’ll blow your head off, I’m a big fan of hangings. Cost effective, (really, what the hell is with the yanks sterilizing the needle before lethal injection, worried the guy will get AIDS?). But since we’re a bunch of wusses in this country, I think, what with Global Warming such a concern, specifically the difficulties of polar bears finding food with ice flows shrinking, send him up north for lunch.